Yo Mama

  1. I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.

  2. Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant.

  3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

  4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

  5. If all is not lost, where is it?

  6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

  7. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

  8. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

  9. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

  10. It was all so different before everything changed.

  11. Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.

  12. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.

  13. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

  14. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

  15. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

  16. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.

  17. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

  18. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

  19. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

  20. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

  21. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

  22. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

  23. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

  24. Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.

  25. Our friend Eddie has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, Eddie takes something for it.

  26. I stayed up all night playing Texas Hold'em with a deck of tarot cards. I got a royal flush and five people died.

  27. His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. Mae West

  28. I spilled 'Spot' remover on my dog. Now he's disappeared.

  29. Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died.

  30. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool like Jackson.

  31. Don't wish ill for your enemy, plan it. Syrus, Maxims

  32. Guy just got lost in thought. He found it unfamiliar territory.

  33. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

  34. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

  35. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

  36. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

  37. Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.

  38. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

  39. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

  40. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

  41. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

  42. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

  43. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give-away.)

  44. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

  45. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

  46. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

  47. Acupuncture is a jab well done.